Not a lot but at the same time a whole bunch, I had AJ the summer before my senior year of high school.  That means the last year of my high school experience I was a mother of two.  Even though it was hard with just one and I knew with another baby it would be twice as hard I was determined to see it threw.  Nate said he wouldn’t marry me if I dropped out of high school which gave me added motivation, but I had my own drive.  Knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel was nice, also since I had done well my previous three years I could coast or so I thought.  I ended up failing English and had to take a make up course in the evenings at a another school.  By this time Nate came by less and less to see me and the boys and it made me think we weren’t going to last.  I kept my fears to myself but they got stirred up every time my dad would ask when Nate was planning on stopping by.  After graduation I started working at the mall with Nancy it was an easy job that paid well enough being just out of high school I didn’t need much.  I still didn’t have bills of my own yet since I was living at home I just needed to make enough to supplement my mother take home pay.  About a month after graduating Nate and I decided to go to the nearest justice of the peace we had already obtained a marriage license by then.  I thought after we got married I’d move in with Nate the kids in tow, or he’d come live with my parents and we’d wait for the air force to call him in for basic.  He then told me that his mom was too anal about her house and living with her wouldn’t be ideal with how messy little ones can be.  I asked if he’d consider moving in with my family and he said no with out skipping a beat, something about my parents not having everything he needed or had grown accustomed to.  My parents didn’t have cable and up til then no internet either, we’d only barely gotten a computer and printer which was a dot matrix.  He assured me that since he’d already signed a contract it was only a matter of time before we moved together and getting a place of our own would be a waste of money and time.  I grudgingly agreed even though I didn’t like that I was stuck living with my parents.  My father and I had grown hostile our disagreements were not easy ones that were absolved quickly or easily.  The days wore on slow and even though I would take the boys to see Nate on the regular it wasn’t what I had hoped us getting married would be.  I knew I had to be patient I had waited this long already, but I began to question why I was the one that always visited him.  Nate began to take regular excursions out of town with friends only telling me after his plans were made like a heads up would suffice.  I grew resentful of his freedom and when I would try and tell him how much it displeased me all he would say is it wasn’t his fault my dad was so strict.  As if having kids wasn’t part of it that because we were still only teen agers we should still have freedom.  I began complaining to everyone who would listen and he would hear about because his mom would report back to him what I was saying when she would agree with what I was saying when she was with me.  Her two faced nature wore a wedge between us until Nate decided he’d had enough and told me it was over, he was done.  I was hurt nothing had really happened passed a judge signing a paper saying we were married I felt like I had been lied to or cheated.  Love isn’t easy and sometimes there’s no going back.  Eventually he came back but I was different we never got divorced but I will never love anyone not even Nate the way I loved him all those years before. 

Oh right at fifteen I was pregnant with my first son, a month after my 16th birthday on November eighteenth after twenty six hours of labor, Ethan Alexander was born at six pounds and four ounces at nine forty three in the morning.  It was only nine months later that I repeated the same events and once more found myself expecting.  I had a real problem saying no to Nate and at sixteen I craved him in so many ways.  He’d make me feel guilty if I didn’t make time for him, he’d come by and see Ethan regularly at first but after some friction with my dad he came by less and less.  He’d say he missed us but his actions made me question his sincerity.  When we realized I was pregnant a second time I knew I couldn’t put everyone threw the same roller coaster again.  Even though it was dumb and neglectful not only to me but my unborn child I opted to hide my pregnancy.  I know what you’re thinking how can you hide a pregnancy?  You can’t and I didn’t do a good job, I gained weight again and had morning sickness but not as bad.  As my pregnancy progressed it grew harder and harder to continue lying to everyone around me that I was indeed expecting.  it wasn’t until I was seven months pregnant that Nate urged me to come out and tell my parents he was worried what the lack of prenatal care meant for me and our baby.  When I told my parents I was surprised at their initial reactions of course they again were saddened by my deceit and disappointed at my lack of self control as well as my hindrance to proper care.  For whatever reason it took longer the second time around to get medical care compared to how swiftly it came with my first pregnancy I think part of it was because I was no longer covered by my mother’s insurance and medicare was stingy to give out service.  The first gynecologist I saw for my first pregnancy no longer accepted medicare and I could no longer seek her care.  The new obstetrician I saw was far from my mother’s home and located in the down town area and was very inconvenient as soon as I had the chance I switched to a doctor closer to home.  She asked me a series of questions and passed judgement not because I was a young mother but because I had waited to seek care, even though it made me feel awful I felt like I deserved it.  A month and a half after my initial appointment I had been sped through the necessary tests the ones they could still run and told from what they could tell my baby was healthy.  All I wanted for my baby was that he’d start life healthy we could get through whatever happened after that.  Fourth of July was a Friday Nancy had asked if she could pick up Ethan to go out with Nate, Zach (Nate’s younger brother) and her.  My parents had no plans and we were fine with it but I wanted to go too even though I was due to pop any day.  When she came to pick us up it started to drizzle she had planned on taking Ethan to the zoo but with the weather how it was we went back to her house instead to wait out the rain.  Ethan took a nap with his grandmother and me and Nate found ourselves alone, the unavoidable happened and we made love.  I knew that sex can speed up the labor process but as I wasn’t having labor pains I didn’t think anything of it.  Soon the rain let up and we went to lunch Nancy took us to a Chinese buffet the food was delicious, and to this day my parents and Nancy still think it was a spicy dish I had for lunch that jolted my labor into gear.  After lunch we went to catch a movie with plans to see the fireworks at Lackland afterward.  The movie was Finding Nemo I’d been experiencing the early stages of labor at lunch but didn’t say anything and when they asked if I was alright I blamed it on the food.  About halfway through the movie it got harder and harder for me to keep it together, I gripped the armrest beside me but endured.  I didn’t say anything to anyone except when Nate leaned over to ask if I was feeling alright when I told him what was going on his eyes shot wide and he said we should tell his mom.  I assured him I would be fine only because I wanted to see the end of the movie.  I know, I know, it was dumb but I made a lot of stupid decisions so this should be no surprise.  As we left the theater I was finding it exceedingly difficult to walk, when Nancy called back she asked jokingly what was taking so long and if I was in labor Nate answered for me.  She screamed that we should have said something sooner and that I’d have to hold in the baby, like I had any power over that.  We zoomed to my parents house where my overnight bag was and to let them know we were going to the hospital.  When we got to the hospital I had Nancy leave me and Nate off at the main entrance instead of the labor and delivery a mistake I know.  I was in pain of course and Nate was frazzled, he asked which way we should go and I told him to follow the signs to which he asked what signs.  I stomped to the wall and slapped the stuck on pink signs leading the way to the labor and delivery wing.  When we got to the nurses kiosk they handed me paper work to fill out, I couldn’t even hold a pen.  Nate did his best to fill out the paper work but still needed me for certain information.  They got me a room I undressed with Nate’s help and put on the gown they left and laid down.  When it took too long for anyone to check on us Nate pounded on the call nurse button before running into the hall yelling for someone to come.  I think it seemed like a long time to him because he thought I was dying, with Ethan I had an epidural well before the pains got severe, I’m a wuss you see so when they said say the word I said it as soon as I could.  It had only been eight hours so I figured I had plenty of time, but with all the walking and other details I was ready to go as soon as we got to the hospital.  The nurses hooked me up to the fetal monitors and heart rate monitors and told me the doctor was on her way.  After checking my dilation they asked me not to push until the doctor came that I had to wait, I remember muttering I’m sorry.  One nurse when she came to check my vitals asked me to breath and that I had to remember to breath to which I apologized repeatedly because an apology was all I offer.  I was drained my brain could not grasp many thoughts, Nate looked white as sheet and I wondered how bad it all seemed for him to look that fearful.  He held my hand as the nurses came to prep me, again they asked me not to push, I told them I wasn’t pushing.  They asked me to lift my backside so they could break my water but as soon as they placed the catch all it broke on its own.  They told me to breath, they asked me not to push, but my body was not waiting for the doctor it had done this once before and it knew what it had to do.  Aiden pushed his way out with in five minute of our arrival to the delivery room, they took him away as soon as he came.  All I could think was please let him be healthy he cried right away which assured me that he was alive, a small comfort.  They checked him out then took him to the nursery right away I was scared that something was terribly wrong with my baby but they assured me his blood sugar was low which happens with speedy deliveries.  They asked that I try to get up and walk around something I was sure I wouldn’t be able to do, my parents, Nancy, Zach and Ethan came to see me.  I was so happy to see Ethan but he looked like he’d rather be anywhere else something I could understand I would have been alright if they had taken Ethan to see the fireworks or back home.  They brought Aiden back and everyone saw him for a little bit before the hospital staff let us know visiting hours were over and everyone would have to leave.  I was afraid to stay by myself because when I had Ethan we had a private room and Nate stayed with me the three days I was in the hospital.  After everyone left they moved me to a recovery room it took a while for me to fall asleep.  Aiden was born at eight in the evening at six pounds five ounces, he came in with a bang and his birthday seems fitting to his personality. 

It had only been two years when Nate and I became sexually active, at first we used condoms which his mom said she’d buy no questions asked.  Soon she reneged on her end and began refusing so as dumb as it was we had unprotected sex.  We were each others first so there was no fear of diseases, neither one of us had cheated on each other so we were certain we were safe.  However with my parents ultra religious views on premarital sex there was no way I was going to be able to be on birth control.  At fifteen we said to hell with it we’ll be fine and of course the inevitable happened at the beginning of march our freshman year of high school and I was expecting.  I missed my period, then started having morning sickness real bad, then my breasts were a bit tender.  The morning sickness was around the clock and so bad my parents though there was something seriously medically wrong with me.  I knew I had to tell them but I just didn’t know how.  I talked with Nate and he agreed we had to come out and tell them, we were both scared but he promised we’d see it through together.  After school he came home with me and we told my parents I was pregnant they yelled, my mom cried and blamed herself.  I felt awful for multiple reasons, I had been raised in a christian home and I took a purity vow to save myself for marriage, I’d only done it to make my parents happy I never expected to wait for marriage.  I knew they were hurt and disappointed but they surprised me when they said we would all tell Nate’s mom together.   She was recently divorced and had a live in boyfriend, when we told her she was upset to be sure but then started saying what a blessing in disguise it was.  The three of them asked what we planned on doing, because for my parents abortion was not an option but even if it was I don’t think I would have made that choice, I said we’d meaning Nate and I had considered Adoption.  To give our baby a chance and so that we could have a chance at a brighter future perhaps.  My father immediately shot that down he said no grand baby of his was going to raised by strangers.  Nate’s mom was open to the idea but after my father’s words she seemed to agree that we would have to live with our “mistake.” My parents said they would help me raise the baby and Nancy, Nate’s mother, agreed to the same.  Having a support system made it feel less daunting but know I’d let my parents down hurt I didn’t want to hurt them getting lost in the moment is something I tend to do a great deal.  My parents didn’t deserve to be let down, or be lied to like I did most of my teenage years.  I had to do double duty in those early years, going to school then coming home and taking care of my baby.  The teen moms of today well of any day never plan on being a mom except for those few who have sex solely to get pregnant when they have no business being pregnant.  I encountered a lot of these girls at school and out and about, they told me I was lucky to be expecting and how they wished they were pregnant too.  All I could think was bitch please no you do not, these girls grow up with their baby dolls and think when I have a baby it’ll be just like this.  It’s nothing like a baby doll, when you’re young and you see your mom doing her chores and shopping for the house and spending time with her family you think wow I want to do that too.  Your mom never tells you the stress of making sure there’s food in the house, or making sure the check book is balanced so when you need braces or a new pair of shoes for school, or glasses that the money is going to be there.  The maddening monotony of having to clean every surface of the house again and again because there are people living in said house.  The endless loads of laundry to do even if it’s just you and a baby, a baby who has to poop somewhere and ends up pooping everywhere.  SHUT UP, SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP, you’re 15 if you’re 15 and not pregnant be thankful that you aren’t even if you’re trying for whatever reason you insane little girl.  Do you know how many times I wanted to punch those stupid (more often than not) white girls in the freakin face for saying such dumb shit?  Every freakin time, when I see shows like sixteen and pregnant, or teen mom I think OMG wtf is wrong with this world.  If your my friend on facebook or I meet you in real life do not ask me if I watch or like those shows.  I say this because most people when I tell them how old my kids are or how old I was when I had them instantly think to ask me that.  Yes I was sixteen when I had my first child no I do not like the show it glorifies someone’s impulsive actions and lack of forethought.