and our honeymoon period was well over.  Nate and I got married the summer after our high school graduation Ethan was three Aiden was a year and a lil over a year old.  The only people who were at our wedding were the boys and my parents, I asked Nate if he wanted to call his mother and he said no to this day she blames me for that. 

I thought after we got married things would change, that he would move in to my parents house or have me move in with him and his mom.  Instead he said it would be best for us to stay where we were, that I shouldn’t go to his mom’s house cause she was a clean freak and it would grate on me.  And that I shouldn’t expect him to move in with my family because we didn’t have a life style he was accustomed to.  My family was a bit poorer than his, my mom was the only one that worked and she only worked one job, his mom had three jobs was never hone and had alimony and child support.  His mom also spoiled him and his brother with everything from the latest video games and electronics to brand name clothes they really didn’t care about.

It was rough his mom would fill my head with ideas of what would happen and when it never did I felt betrayed.  So I started complaining about my situation and his lack of real commitment to any one that would listen.  He got word of it because I worked at the same place as his mom so she’d go home and ask if what I said was true.  Eventually this wore on our relationship, he started flirting online and got close with some girl from California.  One day he asked me to go over and he told me to my face that he no longer loved me, I was shocked because even though we weren’t communicating my immature mind thought eventually it would just magically get better, he’d grow up and realize he was wrong or whatever.  When he said it was over I thought my life was over, he was all I’d ever known I had never even considered being with anyone else. 

I was still going to school and working at night I stopped calling him and when he’d call our conversations were always about the kids, we decided to pretend in front of everyone else that things were fine.  After two months I felt like I was over him that I was confident I didn’t need him. He wasn’t working at the time having quit his day job confident that the air force would all him on his contract any day.  Knowing that the military was his dream I chose to put off filling for divorce so that he could finish basic first.  I didn’t care about getting alimony or child support and as far as I was concerned whenever we did divorce I didn’t want anything from him because I was done. 

There were a few times where I could have used his help but my pride didn’t want me to turn to him for anything.  His mother deemed it necessary to let me know that he was going to California to fuck his new girlfriend and that she hoped he’d be fine.  I was once again shocked and appalled at his mother’s tactless nature and again I complained.  A couple of incidents occurred where we were in close quarters and it was awkward he tried to talk to me and knew I didn’t want to even be in the same room with him but still he tried to put out an olive branch. 

A week or a few days before he was due to go cross country to fuck a stranger a Disney on ice show was coming to town and he decided to take Ethan I said sure because I thought every moment he spent with his children was precious knowing that once we did finally part ways they’d rarely see him since if he was going into the air force still he’d move a lot.  He took Ethan they had a good time, then I find out his mom gave him money for his trip, at work she complains to me about his poor decisions then she fuels said mistakes, WTF LADY.  She gave him three hundred dollars he spent half on his outing with Ethan, when his girlfriend found out she got so mad.  That’s when he realized what a mistake he’d made and broke it off with her. 

A few days later I was at school and he text messages me on my cell phone, but he uses his email to do it his screen name doesn’t register in my mind so I’m like wrong number.  He texted me a few times about how wrong he was how he’d made a mistake and he was sorry.  I kept wondering who the fuck was texting me in the middle of the day.  Later in the day he called me at home and asked if I got his messages, I said now and he said he had texted me like five times and I was like that was you?  You know I have school in the middle of the day you can’t just text me next time if its important call me.  He apologized then asked how I felt and I was just like the fuck get away from me. 

At this point it was like march and my dad was hounding me pretty hard about what was going on in my relationship and what I was doing with my life.  When we fought me and my dad I mean it got pretty heated and many times I wanted to throw a punch.  Many times I would raise my voice which he would respond in like and the screaming would scare the kids quickly realizing this I would lower my voice and ask for him to do the same which he would yell at me how dare I ask him to calm down when I was the one who started yelling. 

One night Nate came over, begging and pleading that I take him back that he missed me and the boys that he was a douche and he was sorry.  Nate said he understood if I never forgave him and if I hated him forever which I mean I didn’t think I could forgive him not right away at least.  But he presented and out, a way to move out of my parents and get away from my dick head of a dad cause trust me he was, I realize he cared and he didn’t want whatever blah blah blah but I hate my dad now because of that and many many other things since then and a few well before.  So I said I wasn’t sure and that I needed to think about it, he left and all I could think was it was my chance a few days later I told him we’d have to work on our relationship but for now i was taking him back and that it meant he’d have to earn back my trust.  Did I really mean everything I said prolly not but at that point it mattered little.

I know I need to post more often but I’ve laid it essentially all out there so to speak.  I don’t want to harp on about things in my past and open old wounds.  I would like to refrain from speaking ill over the teen moms of today though in truth that was my original intention.  I’m happy in my life how it is now, I love my kids and love my husband, I’m content.  Wish I had more friends but meh what are you gonna do?  Anyway I’ll post more mainly about my life how it is now but if anyone has any question about my past or anything feel free to ask.  

Like I said before right after high school Nate and I got married, but little changed we even had a falling out.  People think love is some romantic adventure, but it’s work marriage is making a commitment to someone.  It also saying not only do I love you for who you are now but I know I’ll love you for whom ever you become.  That’s a lot when you love some one so much its unconditional that’s when you found the one.  I’m not saying they could become a dirt bag who beats you and you stick around no there are sometimes when the best thing is to cut and run, but you still have feelings.  Your heart and your mind get into conflict that is always true especially when it comes to love.  Even though Nate grew distant and I ran my mouth we came threw we both admitted to making mistakes.  We forgave each other and promised to be honest with each other to talk things out between us and to be there for each other.  After we patched things up I moved into his moms house, his mom hated me.  She complained constantly to him about me, which infuriated me it was her house and I was living there she could have easily pulled me aside and had words with me.  Instead she went behind my back to complain about me was that how Nate felt when I had done the same thing only months before?  I felt like an ass.  I was working still and taking classes at the local community college I complained about work all the time.  Nate said I should concentrate on school if that was important to me so I did thinking I would make it threw.  It was hard I wanted to give up, that and my heart wasn’t in my studies it was clear I had chosen the wrong major.  I had elected to skip the general studies and go for a certification program for aviation maintenance.  I though if my mom could do it so could I but I couldn’t fake it, Talking about it with Nate he convinced me to drop out of school, looking back I should have just switched majors.  After I gave up working and school things at home got worse, first Nancy would tell Nate that I was smart in being in school since he had elected to quit his job after he signed his contract with the air force and he wasn’t doing anything while waiting for their call.  They never called and eventually he had to call them to find out they had a spot for him.  When he went to basic it was difficult I was used to being on my own with the boys what was hard was staying at his moms house without him.  Since I knew she had it out for me already, she never wanted us to get married she thought he’d be better off paying child support and moving on.  That hurt but it wasn’t her opinion I really had to worry about it was her son’s.  After two weeks of Nate being gone I moved back in with my parents, I didn’t feel welcome or like family at my mother in laws, she made it evident that she didn’t want me there.  Four weeks went by so slow but when it was over we got to see Nate again the base he was supposed to be transported to got hit by hurricane Katrina then Rita while he was in Basic.  They told him he could sit in holding at basic til the base was fixed and they could find quarters for his family or he could pick another job.  He chose another job and a month later me and the boys followed him to northern Texas.  It was the first time I had ever moved but I was ready to go the boys were sad to say goodbye to their grandparents but glad to see their daddy.  The apartment we lived in was a dump, I cleaned it as best I could but the place was riddled with silver fish and german water bugs.  There wasn’t a lot to do but the kids kept me busy, I just felt bad that I didn’t have a chance to take them out to do stuff more.  But Nate kept the car since he had to be at school at five in the morning, he came home and studied.  It was hard because even though he was physically present he was busy with school.  He made time for us especially on the weekends taking us to town and parks, our family time was great and it seemed our relationship was stronger than ever. 

Not a lot but at the same time a whole bunch, I had AJ the summer before my senior year of high school.  That means the last year of my high school experience I was a mother of two.  Even though it was hard with just one and I knew with another baby it would be twice as hard I was determined to see it threw.  Nate said he wouldn’t marry me if I dropped out of high school which gave me added motivation, but I had my own drive.  Knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel was nice, also since I had done well my previous three years I could coast or so I thought.  I ended up failing English and had to take a make up course in the evenings at a another school.  By this time Nate came by less and less to see me and the boys and it made me think we weren’t going to last.  I kept my fears to myself but they got stirred up every time my dad would ask when Nate was planning on stopping by.  After graduation I started working at the mall with Nancy it was an easy job that paid well enough being just out of high school I didn’t need much.  I still didn’t have bills of my own yet since I was living at home I just needed to make enough to supplement my mother take home pay.  About a month after graduating Nate and I decided to go to the nearest justice of the peace we had already obtained a marriage license by then.  I thought after we got married I’d move in with Nate the kids in tow, or he’d come live with my parents and we’d wait for the air force to call him in for basic.  He then told me that his mom was too anal about her house and living with her wouldn’t be ideal with how messy little ones can be.  I asked if he’d consider moving in with my family and he said no with out skipping a beat, something about my parents not having everything he needed or had grown accustomed to.  My parents didn’t have cable and up til then no internet either, we’d only barely gotten a computer and printer which was a dot matrix.  He assured me that since he’d already signed a contract it was only a matter of time before we moved together and getting a place of our own would be a waste of money and time.  I grudgingly agreed even though I didn’t like that I was stuck living with my parents.  My father and I had grown hostile our disagreements were not easy ones that were absolved quickly or easily.  The days wore on slow and even though I would take the boys to see Nate on the regular it wasn’t what I had hoped us getting married would be.  I knew I had to be patient I had waited this long already, but I began to question why I was the one that always visited him.  Nate began to take regular excursions out of town with friends only telling me after his plans were made like a heads up would suffice.  I grew resentful of his freedom and when I would try and tell him how much it displeased me all he would say is it wasn’t his fault my dad was so strict.  As if having kids wasn’t part of it that because we were still only teen agers we should still have freedom.  I began complaining to everyone who would listen and he would hear about because his mom would report back to him what I was saying when she would agree with what I was saying when she was with me.  Her two faced nature wore a wedge between us until Nate decided he’d had enough and told me it was over, he was done.  I was hurt nothing had really happened passed a judge signing a paper saying we were married I felt like I had been lied to or cheated.  Love isn’t easy and sometimes there’s no going back.  Eventually he came back but I was different we never got divorced but I will never love anyone not even Nate the way I loved him all those years before. 

Oh right at fifteen I was pregnant with my first son, a month after my 16th birthday on November eighteenth after twenty six hours of labor, Ethan Alexander was born at six pounds and four ounces at nine forty three in the morning.  It was only nine months later that I repeated the same events and once more found myself expecting.  I had a real problem saying no to Nate and at sixteen I craved him in so many ways.  He’d make me feel guilty if I didn’t make time for him, he’d come by and see Ethan regularly at first but after some friction with my dad he came by less and less.  He’d say he missed us but his actions made me question his sincerity.  When we realized I was pregnant a second time I knew I couldn’t put everyone threw the same roller coaster again.  Even though it was dumb and neglectful not only to me but my unborn child I opted to hide my pregnancy.  I know what you’re thinking how can you hide a pregnancy?  You can’t and I didn’t do a good job, I gained weight again and had morning sickness but not as bad.  As my pregnancy progressed it grew harder and harder to continue lying to everyone around me that I was indeed expecting.  it wasn’t until I was seven months pregnant that Nate urged me to come out and tell my parents he was worried what the lack of prenatal care meant for me and our baby.  When I told my parents I was surprised at their initial reactions of course they again were saddened by my deceit and disappointed at my lack of self control as well as my hindrance to proper care.  For whatever reason it took longer the second time around to get medical care compared to how swiftly it came with my first pregnancy I think part of it was because I was no longer covered by my mother’s insurance and medicare was stingy to give out service.  The first gynecologist I saw for my first pregnancy no longer accepted medicare and I could no longer seek her care.  The new obstetrician I saw was far from my mother’s home and located in the down town area and was very inconvenient as soon as I had the chance I switched to a doctor closer to home.  She asked me a series of questions and passed judgement not because I was a young mother but because I had waited to seek care, even though it made me feel awful I felt like I deserved it.  A month and a half after my initial appointment I had been sped through the necessary tests the ones they could still run and told from what they could tell my baby was healthy.  All I wanted for my baby was that he’d start life healthy we could get through whatever happened after that.  Fourth of July was a Friday Nancy had asked if she could pick up Ethan to go out with Nate, Zach (Nate’s younger brother) and her.  My parents had no plans and we were fine with it but I wanted to go too even though I was due to pop any day.  When she came to pick us up it started to drizzle she had planned on taking Ethan to the zoo but with the weather how it was we went back to her house instead to wait out the rain.  Ethan took a nap with his grandmother and me and Nate found ourselves alone, the unavoidable happened and we made love.  I knew that sex can speed up the labor process but as I wasn’t having labor pains I didn’t think anything of it.  Soon the rain let up and we went to lunch Nancy took us to a Chinese buffet the food was delicious, and to this day my parents and Nancy still think it was a spicy dish I had for lunch that jolted my labor into gear.  After lunch we went to catch a movie with plans to see the fireworks at Lackland afterward.  The movie was Finding Nemo I’d been experiencing the early stages of labor at lunch but didn’t say anything and when they asked if I was alright I blamed it on the food.  About halfway through the movie it got harder and harder for me to keep it together, I gripped the armrest beside me but endured.  I didn’t say anything to anyone except when Nate leaned over to ask if I was feeling alright when I told him what was going on his eyes shot wide and he said we should tell his mom.  I assured him I would be fine only because I wanted to see the end of the movie.  I know, I know, it was dumb but I made a lot of stupid decisions so this should be no surprise.  As we left the theater I was finding it exceedingly difficult to walk, when Nancy called back she asked jokingly what was taking so long and if I was in labor Nate answered for me.  She screamed that we should have said something sooner and that I’d have to hold in the baby, like I had any power over that.  We zoomed to my parents house where my overnight bag was and to let them know we were going to the hospital.  When we got to the hospital I had Nancy leave me and Nate off at the main entrance instead of the labor and delivery a mistake I know.  I was in pain of course and Nate was frazzled, he asked which way we should go and I told him to follow the signs to which he asked what signs.  I stomped to the wall and slapped the stuck on pink signs leading the way to the labor and delivery wing.  When we got to the nurses kiosk they handed me paper work to fill out, I couldn’t even hold a pen.  Nate did his best to fill out the paper work but still needed me for certain information.  They got me a room I undressed with Nate’s help and put on the gown they left and laid down.  When it took too long for anyone to check on us Nate pounded on the call nurse button before running into the hall yelling for someone to come.  I think it seemed like a long time to him because he thought I was dying, with Ethan I had an epidural well before the pains got severe, I’m a wuss you see so when they said say the word I said it as soon as I could.  It had only been eight hours so I figured I had plenty of time, but with all the walking and other details I was ready to go as soon as we got to the hospital.  The nurses hooked me up to the fetal monitors and heart rate monitors and told me the doctor was on her way.  After checking my dilation they asked me not to push until the doctor came that I had to wait, I remember muttering I’m sorry.  One nurse when she came to check my vitals asked me to breath and that I had to remember to breath to which I apologized repeatedly because an apology was all I offer.  I was drained my brain could not grasp many thoughts, Nate looked white as sheet and I wondered how bad it all seemed for him to look that fearful.  He held my hand as the nurses came to prep me, again they asked me not to push, I told them I wasn’t pushing.  They asked me to lift my backside so they could break my water but as soon as they placed the catch all it broke on its own.  They told me to breath, they asked me not to push, but my body was not waiting for the doctor it had done this once before and it knew what it had to do.  Aiden pushed his way out with in five minute of our arrival to the delivery room, they took him away as soon as he came.  All I could think was please let him be healthy he cried right away which assured me that he was alive, a small comfort.  They checked him out then took him to the nursery right away I was scared that something was terribly wrong with my baby but they assured me his blood sugar was low which happens with speedy deliveries.  They asked that I try to get up and walk around something I was sure I wouldn’t be able to do, my parents, Nancy, Zach and Ethan came to see me.  I was so happy to see Ethan but he looked like he’d rather be anywhere else something I could understand I would have been alright if they had taken Ethan to see the fireworks or back home.  They brought Aiden back and everyone saw him for a little bit before the hospital staff let us know visiting hours were over and everyone would have to leave.  I was afraid to stay by myself because when I had Ethan we had a private room and Nate stayed with me the three days I was in the hospital.  After everyone left they moved me to a recovery room it took a while for me to fall asleep.  Aiden was born at eight in the evening at six pounds five ounces, he came in with a bang and his birthday seems fitting to his personality. 

It had only been two years when Nate and I became sexually active, at first we used condoms which his mom said she’d buy no questions asked.  Soon she reneged on her end and began refusing so as dumb as it was we had unprotected sex.  We were each others first so there was no fear of diseases, neither one of us had cheated on each other so we were certain we were safe.  However with my parents ultra religious views on premarital sex there was no way I was going to be able to be on birth control.  At fifteen we said to hell with it we’ll be fine and of course the inevitable happened at the beginning of march our freshman year of high school and I was expecting.  I missed my period, then started having morning sickness real bad, then my breasts were a bit tender.  The morning sickness was around the clock and so bad my parents though there was something seriously medically wrong with me.  I knew I had to tell them but I just didn’t know how.  I talked with Nate and he agreed we had to come out and tell them, we were both scared but he promised we’d see it through together.  After school he came home with me and we told my parents I was pregnant they yelled, my mom cried and blamed herself.  I felt awful for multiple reasons, I had been raised in a christian home and I took a purity vow to save myself for marriage, I’d only done it to make my parents happy I never expected to wait for marriage.  I knew they were hurt and disappointed but they surprised me when they said we would all tell Nate’s mom together.   She was recently divorced and had a live in boyfriend, when we told her she was upset to be sure but then started saying what a blessing in disguise it was.  The three of them asked what we planned on doing, because for my parents abortion was not an option but even if it was I don’t think I would have made that choice, I said we’d meaning Nate and I had considered Adoption.  To give our baby a chance and so that we could have a chance at a brighter future perhaps.  My father immediately shot that down he said no grand baby of his was going to raised by strangers.  Nate’s mom was open to the idea but after my father’s words she seemed to agree that we would have to live with our “mistake.” My parents said they would help me raise the baby and Nancy, Nate’s mother, agreed to the same.  Having a support system made it feel less daunting but know I’d let my parents down hurt I didn’t want to hurt them getting lost in the moment is something I tend to do a great deal.  My parents didn’t deserve to be let down, or be lied to like I did most of my teenage years.  I had to do double duty in those early years, going to school then coming home and taking care of my baby.  The teen moms of today well of any day never plan on being a mom except for those few who have sex solely to get pregnant when they have no business being pregnant.  I encountered a lot of these girls at school and out and about, they told me I was lucky to be expecting and how they wished they were pregnant too.  All I could think was bitch please no you do not, these girls grow up with their baby dolls and think when I have a baby it’ll be just like this.  It’s nothing like a baby doll, when you’re young and you see your mom doing her chores and shopping for the house and spending time with her family you think wow I want to do that too.  Your mom never tells you the stress of making sure there’s food in the house, or making sure the check book is balanced so when you need braces or a new pair of shoes for school, or glasses that the money is going to be there.  The maddening monotony of having to clean every surface of the house again and again because there are people living in said house.  The endless loads of laundry to do even if it’s just you and a baby, a baby who has to poop somewhere and ends up pooping everywhere.  SHUT UP, SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP, you’re 15 if you’re 15 and not pregnant be thankful that you aren’t even if you’re trying for whatever reason you insane little girl.  Do you know how many times I wanted to punch those stupid (more often than not) white girls in the freakin face for saying such dumb shit?  Every freakin time, when I see shows like sixteen and pregnant, or teen mom I think OMG wtf is wrong with this world.  If your my friend on facebook or I meet you in real life do not ask me if I watch or like those shows.  I say this because most people when I tell them how old my kids are or how old I was when I had them instantly think to ask me that.  Yes I was sixteen when I had my first child no I do not like the show it glorifies someone’s impulsive actions and lack of forethought.